News
STUNNING REVERSAL!
Stockholm, Sweden
In a stunning reversal, the 5 member Literature committee has decided not to consider Jeff Martin for the 2009 Nobel Prize. Martin, once considered a shoe-in, issued a brief written comment through his publicist:
"I was saddened to hear the news about being removed from consideration for this year's prize. It was my dream since childhood to win the Nobel. My mother used to say that I would be a loser forever unless I did something worthy of this prize. Thankfully she is dead now and I won't have to go through that. Whew! I can't even imagine what that conversation would have been like. Can you comprehend a mother setting the bar that high? I'm all for pushing your kids to achieve and everything, but seriously, the Nobel Prize? When I won my first Pulitzer, I called her to tell her the news. You know what she said? 'That's nice. Will you pick up some Nair for me at the drug store.' That was it. I don't think I even told her about the next one. And get this, when I was awarded a MacArthur Genius Grant, she called the Foundation to object. Let me tell you, it is soooo much fun explaining why your own mother wouldn't want you to win a freakin' MacArthur Genius Grant. So, anyway, um, oh yes, I'm pretty bummed about the Nobel, but not as bummed as I'd be if mom were still around. If it weren't for that legally blind bus driver in Queens, I'd probably be on the phone with her now. Remind me to send that guy some cigarettes."